Cogitate On This

Another So-Called Life

The Rebirth

May 17, 2008 at 9:45 pm · Filed under About Me, News

I was the kind of kid that would start conversations with complete strangers, would purposefully wear mismatched clothes and bright socks, would say whatever was on my mind, would argue about everything and always ask “why”, would sing and dance in public, would wrestle with teenage boys, would roll around in mud or sand without thinking about the mess, would smash a birthday cake into my face, would try anything new, would eat whatever and how ever much I wanted, would laugh at the girls who cared how they looked or what anyone thought about them, would run until I collapsed, would scream my lungs out, and would live life to the fullest. No anxiety holding me back, no depression keeping me down, no filter, no evil little voice in my head. I was just me. And I was awesome.

    Some things can never go back to the way they were.

It’s been almost seven years since little Sarah was killed. I think it’s time she was given a second life.

    I’m almost back.

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Bleah

March 27, 2008 at 4:30 am · Filed under Poetry

Simple.

    Simple.

Just a phase.

    Take these feelings;

And throw away.

    Think you’re finished?

You’ll pretend?

    Your feelings vanished?

Think again.

    I know your secret.

Your little lie.

    The twisting, aching

Pain inside.

    I know it haunts you.

Day in, day out.

    I know it wants you

To cower and pout.

    Stay buried under

Mountains of grief.

    Begin to plunder

Your mind of relief.

    When good moods go sour,

And bad thoughts creep in;

    I am inside you.

I am within. 

    I will stay wriggling

Like a parasite.

    Taking you over.

Feasting on  life.

    You will fight me.

Some battles won.

    But the war is in question.

Will it ever be done?

    Who am I really?

Who can you blame?

    Who can you point to

And shout out a name?

    There’s no single source.

No single villain.

    So what you must do

If you are willing;

    Is stand up each day.

Breathe in and breathe out.

    And fight through this world.

You’ll figure it out. 

    If you are broken,

Damaged and bruised. 

    No one can fix you

Except you, if you choose.

    I am you.

I will stay.

    Conquer your feelings.

And throw away.

    Simple.

Simple.     

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It’s Good To See You Go

March 27, 2008 at 1:58 am · Filed under Poetry

Last night on Earth

    In our cozy cave

Last kiss we’ll share

    Nothing left to save

We’ve been through the war 

    Casualties are the proof

Suitcase on the floor

    Makes me face the truth

I watch you pack your clothing

    That slid across your skin

And kept the smell of you I loved

    And at one time kept you hidden

But now I watch you standing there

    I know what lies beneath

I picture every freckle

    Every signature relief

It’s covered now forever

    Forever barred to me

When once it was my heaven

    And you and I were free

You say something and look my way

    That old, familiar gaze

Those eyes that once were so bright

    Are fading into gray

The spark that once began us

    Still lingers in this room

But now we know our journey

    Is one that ends in doom

And when all that I’ve loved

    Has packed and left this place

I bow my head in sadness

    In somber, sore disgrace

I flop myself 

    Onto our bed

The one that years

    Passed overhead

I stare up at the ceiling

    Remembering the nights

When we would talk for hours

    And turn off all the lights

We’d talk til dawn

    The sun would break

We’d smile and kiss

    Ourselves awake

I roll and look

    Out the window

At the empty

    Streets below

Our streets we claimed

    So long ago

And from my view

    I plainly see

Into our bathroom

    Vanity

A single razor

    Perched near mine

Is all you’ve missed

    And left behind

I stand and tears

    Well in my eyes

I walk toward it

    With heavy sighs

I pick it up

    And tears do fall

I cower against

    The shower wall

And from my crouch

    I spot some gray

Some gray cotton

    That’s somewhat frayed

It’s in the trash

    Balled in a pile

A gray t-shirt

    Been there awhile

I hold it up

    I breathe it in

The smell of you

    Remains within

I let my sobs

    Ring on the tile

As I see

    Your loving smile

That loving smile

    I thought would last

Is gone forever

    In the past 

Someday I’ll heal

    I’ll have no hurt

Your smell will vanish

    From this shirt

I’ll look out of my room’s window

    And I’ll think back upon this day

I’ll once again recall the sight

    Of you striding on your way

I’ll smile upon you 

    Then I’ll know

It’s good to see you

    See you go.          

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Take Me For Granted

March 26, 2008 at 4:25 am · Filed under Poetry

take me for granted

    use me all up

suck me bone dry

    empty this cup

of course I will stay

    of course I’ll be there

you have no doubts

    that I’ll always care

break me in pieces

    tear me to bits

I’m here for the taking

    and I’ll take your shit

but push me too hard

    ignore me too long

and I’ll finally see

    how you felt all along

and in the end

    when I am no more

when I’ve either left

    or’ve been slain on the floor

you’ll be far away

    you’ll quite soon forget

so take me for granted

    you’ll see what you get

bitch 

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Dark, Dark

March 23, 2008 at 9:36 pm · Filed under Poetry

On a dark, dark street

    On a dark, dark night

Stood a dark, dark house

    With a dim spark of light

From a second story window

    Like candlelight, was red

And through the bottom right-most pane

    It faintly creeping, ghostly bled

Up the dark, dark path

    Up the dark, dark steps

Through the dark, dark door

    With my thin, shallow breaths

I trembled in the foyer

    In the crumbling decay

Abandoned, all was hopeless

    I should turn and run away

But the dark, dark walls

    With their paint-smeared stares

Moaned their dark, deep voices

    And led me up the stairs

Up the dark, dark stairs

    To a dark corridor

A long dark tunnel

    That ended at a door

The dark door stood

    Looked at me without fear

Whispered dark, dark words

    Whispered for me to come near

So I crept through the dark

    Down the dark, dark hall

Every inch was suspense

    Every nearing footfall

Then at last I had come

    To this dark, dark door

With its ponderous presence

    Looming ceiling to the floor

I took no breath

    I made no sound

I reached my hand out

    And let it wrap around

The knob, it twisted right

    With a dark, low scrape

And I pushed and opened wide

    Letting light at once escape

For there in the corner

    Before the bottom right-most pane

Flickered one single fire

    One little flinching flame

It shone in my eyes

    In this dark, dark room

And I slowly moved toward it

    Through the stale, empty gloom

I stroked the warm air

    That haloed round its spark

Then grabbed the dripping candlestick

    And held it in the dark

I hold it closely to me

    I keep the drafts away

I protect its burning

    And in that room I stay

In this dark, dark room

    In this dark, dark house

I never let it die

    I never put it out

Its lonely little shimmer

    Its tiny warming ray

Is my light in the darkness

    In this dark, dark place. 

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No Feeling Is Final

February 16, 2008 at 3:40 pm · Filed under News, Therapy

No feeling is final.  

    That’s what my therapist tells me.

Look at the monster in the cage.

    Look closely and see who’s there.

It’s only me. 

    We’re getting into some heavy stuff in those sessions.

I wish I had someone to tell who would understand.

    I wish all my friends had therpists.

They sure need them. 

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VD-Day Lovin’

February 14, 2008 at 9:27 pm · Filed under Announcements, Holiday, Lists

Alright, folks, it’s Saint Valentine’s Day and I could not be more ecstatic.  Ha.  I am from the camp of people who believe V-Day is just another sham holiday created by shrewd businesspeople wanting to make a buck.  Wait, did I say V-Day?  I meant to say VD-Day, as one of my coworkers accidentally called it today.  Perfect.  Express your love by spreading STDs.  I’ll spread love with words.  Listen up for your name…

    Joan- When Ben was five minutes late, I almost wanted to call you.  Several times today, when the phone rang, I almost thought it was you.  When I look at the last schedule you made, and see your handwriting, it’s almost like you’re still here.  We’re going to miss you more than you know.  Who will our next manager be?  Someone not as good as you.

Mom- Why do you still give me rides?  Seriously.  I am such a loser.  My goal is to pass the driver’s test before the month is out.  By your birthday, I want my license.  And on that day, I can give YOU a ride and show you how important you are to me.  You are such a good person and such a good mother.  Don’t ever doubt yourself.  You are my rock.  My rock.  I wouldn’t survive without you.

    Dad- You work so hard.  So ridiculously nonstop.  How do you do it?  Really, I want to know, because I need whatever you’ve got.  It’s intelligence, it’s ambition, but it’s also character.  You have the best character out of anyone I know.  And I’m not saying that just because you’re my dad.  You are amazing.  You are the most stable, reliable force in my life.  Thank you.

Andy- Oh my God, boy!  Why didn’t you TELL us that you were Chief Programmer for a really popular website?!  Damn!  Congrats!  You impress me so much with your computer knowledge and initiative.  You are brilliant.  You have the potential to do anything.  Do it.  I know you can.  Listen and hear me.  Write that essay.  You have a kickass vocabulary and are very articulate.  I believe in you.

    Brooke- Oh, my Brookie-loo, my chica, I love you.  Even though you are at UGA, getting ready to graduate early, and I am at home, being a starving artist, we are connected.  We just fit.  I really hope we will remain friends for a very long time, because we understand each other.  It’s not often that that happens.  You are like my long lost sister.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being so supportive during my nutcase phase (aka now).  I’ll be coming to Athens soon to see you.  You keep me afloat. 

Nick- I miss you everyday.  We used to be like siblings.  Now you are so far away, living this different life, and I really miss the long days and nights we spent together.  Since freaking sixth grade!  You will always be important to me.  We NEED to stay in touch.  I love you like I love sunny days and big hugs (a whole lot).

    Pino- You are quite a person.  So very smart, so very sweet, and so very good.  I really admire you for supporting yourself.  That is an impressive feat.  I also completely understand your problems with school.  We’re alike more than you know.  In all the bad ways, haha.  You and my brother are the same person, too.  In the good ways.  I really miss having your comforting presence around.  We need to talk more!  Answer my messages, boy!

Michael Marie- I really wish we had been better friends in high school.  I’m so glad we are getting closer now, though.  You are such an strong, interesting, intelligent person, and you should never think otherwise.  I just think you’re awesome.  :)  Thank you for your kind words and for listening to me when I needed to be heard.  We need to hang out more, even though you are at Berry.  I should come visit you.

    Mandy- Girl, we are friends for life, no matter what happens.  I will always support you.  We NEED to hang out more.  I’m here.  Even though we have grown into two very different people, we still have that connection, that bond.  It will never go away.  Really.  I got you, babe. :)

Kristine (Stini)- My sista from another mista, my Asian lover, my biffle for life; I could not miss you more.  Why can’t we be together?!  It sucks.  Your very presence can brighten my life.  And when you’re not around, all I have are memories.  I want you to know how special you are to me and how much I admire and love you.  I’m coming to the Freddy again next fall, if you’ll have me.

    Kaity- You are one in a million.  I love it.  I miss hanging out, talking, going to crazy parties.  Basically, I just think you’re nifty keen and I can’t wait to see you again this fall!  

Jordan- Some days I wonder why I met you.  I was torn away rom you too soon.  You are such a fantastic person and I am SO mad that I can’t be with you.  Your talent and love of writing is something that I really appreciate.  We are the same person, basically.  Keep it up.  I’ll be sure to stay in touch.

    Trish (T-licious)- Okay, missy, here it is: you’ve changed me.  You’ve opened my eyes to some of the realities of the world and made me more empathetic and understanding and accepting of differences.  You’re the friend I should’ve had all my life.  You are commanding and confident, sensitive and compassionate, genuine and unapologetically you, hardworking and helpful, funny, deep, ambitious, and good to your core.  I look up to you for wisdom of all kinds and for your unmatched effort at work.  You are a fighter, a dreamer, and a doer, and I love you. Oh, and you make the best frappuccinos ever.

Ben- You’re like a crime-fighting superhero.  Barista Boy will be your name and Tuan, God of Thunder, can be your sidekick.  But forget work.  Forget the band, too.  You, all by yourself, are special.  You’re maddeningly goofy and funny, annoyingly friendly and charismatic, ridiculously unflinchable and confident, obscenely hardworking and benevolent, shockingly thoughtful and deep, and just fucking aggravatingly wonderful to be around.  I hate you.  That’s a lie.  I love you and you are one of my best friends.  Alright, the mushy parade ends here.  See me in person for abuse, disrespect, and undermining of confidence.     

    Steve- You’re the absolute sweetest sweetie pie that there ever was!  All the sappy stuff I’ve told you before still is true.  You’re incredibly smart, thoughtful, caring, helpful, ad interesting.  You are rare and precious, like a diamond.  Seriously, NEVER doubt yourself, because you are fabulous and always will be.  Deal with it.  

Jessika- Senorita Madriz, you already know how much I respect your linguistic skills and relate to your passion for design.  You’re living the dream.  School and Starbucks; a match made in Heaven.  Seriously, I think you are a powerful, wonderful person, and I wish I could be as confident and put-together as you are.  I bow down to the barista queen.

    Biruk- I’m in love with you.  The end.  You are my idol, working two demanding jobs AND going to school for architecture/engineering.  AND you speak like a bazillion languages.  AND you’re a cutie patoot.  You’re the sweetest person I’ve possibly ever met, and you always make my day happier, even when you’re in your worst mood and your nose is bleeding and you have to put the order away.  You never stop impressing me with not only your hard work, but with your honest-to-goodness kindness.  Thank you so very much.

Amy- When are we going to a metal show?  I can’t wait.  I think you are such a unique and inspiring person.  I love hearing your stories, your music, and working with you, of course.  At work, you are the most diligent, conscientious barista.  But I love when you get crazy most of all.  Never lose your zany side; it’s amazing.  I think you will accomplish great things in your life.

    Tuan (God)- You little punk.  I heart you madly.  You are so hardworking and competent, even on days when you feel like killing customers and throwing things.  You make me smile even when you frown.  Keep it up, kid, because you will go far in life, whatever you decide to do.  I only wish I worked with you more.  You make a mean frappuccino.

Anna Marie- I think you’re incredible.  So warm and bubbly and fun and full of life.  You make me giddy every time I work with you.  I think you are an excellent employee and you shouldn’t be down on yourself.  Ever.  Your enthusiasm and energy are just what we need at Starbucks.  I appreciate your kindness and openness with me and I hope that you can forgive me for what happened today.  I really genuinely respect you and love being around you.    

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My Words

February 13, 2008 at 6:46 pm · Filed under Writing

I don’t know how to write.  

    I mean, I know the English language.  I know how to form letters into words, words into phrases, phrases into sentences.  I know what it all means.

 But I don’t know how it happens.  How do thoughts, perfectly constructed, enter into my consciousness?  

    My words just come, in this unexplainable, unpredictable way.  They come in great floods some days.  

Squeezing, spilling, streaming.  

    They overwhelm me.  My emotions in tangible form.  

And some days, they trickle.  

    Little droplets that never puddle.  

But even on flood days, they never become an ocean.  An entire work.  

    Always rivers leading to nowhere.  

I wish they would.  I wish I had the patience.  I wish I had the control.  The stamina.  

    But my words, like my emotions, are as of yet uncontrollable.  

And there’s no knowing what will happen next. 

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What To Do

February 10, 2008 at 11:07 pm · Filed under Lists

Do the splits

    Do an accent

Do yourself proud

    Do him

Draw a portrait

    Draw the right conclusions 

Write a letter

    Write it off  

Make something unique

    Make believe 

Make inquisitions

    Master the art of baking birthday cakes

Master your abs

    Masturbate

Outdo your coworkers

    Outsmart the competition

Outweigh the other options

    Tell everyone

Tell no one

    Create art out of trash

Create friendship in the face of fear

    Spread yourself thin

Spread peanut butter

    Spread love

Eat healthily

    Eat less

Eat your heart out

    Break away

Break your heart

    Break a leg

Be a sinner

    Be a fool 

Be whatever you want to be

    Be happy 

Become 

    Ride the subway

Ride on airplanes

    Ride off into the sunset

Ride it out

    Ride hard

Drive the point home

    Drive yourself crazy

Drive a car

    Bite your tongue

Bit the bullet

    Bite me 

Acquire a new skill

    Acquire confidence

Let it be

    Let it out

Let yourself make mistakes

    Have no fear

Have opinions 

    Have a piece

Get going

    Get a clue

Get it

    Practice everyday

Give it a go

    Give yourself a break

Give in 

    Play outside

Play pretend

    Play around

Play your air guitar 

    Stick around

Stick it out

    Stick the landing

Stick it to them

    Drink up

Capture contentment

    Look at the sky

Look for hope

    Look inside

Learn as much as possible

    Lead your life

Lead the fight

    Lead onward

Jump at the chance

    Jump for joy

Take risks

    Take control

Take the cake

    Come down

Come around

    Come toward the light

Dare to confront your fears

    Dare to be different

Dare to dream 

    Don’t conform

Don’t beat yourself up

    Don’t do drugs

Please try

    Please promise

Please pretty please me

    Share your stories

Share your time

    Decide who’s in charge

Decide on a place

    Deny losers

Try to be strong

    Try a new food

Try and stop me

    Yell at the top of your lungs 

Cheat no one

    Lie never

Steal not 

    Sing a song

Dance your dance

    Find yourself

Find love

    Find happiness

Find out what life is about     

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Clever Title Here

February 6, 2008 at 9:18 pm · Filed under News

You know who I dislike?  

    Hannah Montana (or whatever her real name is).  For the same reasons I dislike the Olson Twins and Britney Spears.  

Girls that are too young that are being asked to sing, dress, act, etc, like bimbos.  It’s disgusting.  

    But what do I really dislike about her, beyond the baby whore aspect?  

Her pointlessness.  

    Stupid, pointless musicians.  Go on myspace.  More than half of the musicians out there are stupid and pointless.  They serve no purpose other than to make noise, to generate instantaneous feelings that disappear the minute the music dies.  

I can’t talk about this anymore.  It’s making me annoyed.  Just thinking about Tila Tequila is enough.  

    Maybe I’ll write a real argument about pointless musicians later…

I voted for the first time yesterday.  Super Tuesday.  

    Obama ended up winning for the Democrats in Georgia.  

I voted for Hillary.  She has excellent plans, oodles of experience, and come on, remember Bill?  Remember how happy we were when Bill was in office?  

    I don’t really care, actually.  Obama is amazing.  As long as a Democrat wins in November, I’m fine.  

Actually, as long as our country comes out of these dark ages, no matter who is in office, I’m fine. 

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