Cogitate On This

Another So-Called Life

Archive for January, 2008

Eulogy to A Crush

I don’t remember meeting you

    I don’t recall your face

If you smiled magnanimous or if you shrugged and slouched in place

    Didn’t know a thing about you

Don’t believe I cared

    And looking back, I cannot pinpoint what time for me you appeared

But finally it happened

    Over many weeks stretched out

You grew to be someone in my life who I couldn’t do without

    We worked together all the time

We slowly showed ourselves

    And little things when added up made it obvious to tell

I won’t describe your charms and light

    I’d go forever on

But just know that I love you as one person loves another one

    I told you straight into your face

That I cared for you

    You apologized and sighed and said for you it wasn’t true

Work was in the way, as was

    The ex-girlfriend you loved

You couldn’t move on from the past you knew, although I tried to nudge

    I accepted this, and yes,

For the moment, I felt fine

    I thought I could get over you in speedy lightning record time

I expected far too much 

    From my tattered heart

And at the end of one long week, I shattered, breaking, fell apart

    I wept upon your shoulder

And asked things that churned inside

    And though you were so gentle, sweet, your answers made me want to die

For you said “no,” you said it clear

    And in the end, I heard it ring

It stopped my winsome swooning, for its hollow, empty sound did sting

    I realized then as I know now

That you played victim in this tale

    I projected my hopes on you, now we know to no avail

I took my dreams of being loved

    Of having a relationship

And thrust them on the nearest boy who seemed to be a decent fit

    Although you’re not right for me

And probably will never be

    And this was a mistake that makes me laugh with bitter agony

I’m still glad it happened

    I still think you’re great

I’ll be your friend forever, but I’ll never try to be your date

    Someday we’ll find love

Both of us, indeed

    We’ll be so happy someday, when we find the ones we sorely need.   

Starting Now

Went to heavy metal concert on Monday, the 21st.  It rocked.

    Decided to drop out of school on Thursday.

Had a mini cry-fest at Starbucks on Friday about leaving school and about a boy.

    Went to a party at a friends’ house on Saturday and had my first beer.  Cried again.  Had profound moments with each one of my drunk friends from Starbucks.

Saw a friend’s heavy metal band practice on Sunday.  They rocked.

    Found out on Tuesday that my Starbucks store manager is leaving in less than a month.  She needs more time with her family.  I will really miss her, as a person and as a manager. 

Found out on Wednesday that my friend who is not in school has decided to go back.  Am so proud of him.

    Have been corresponding with 3 NY friends and 1 UGA friend and 3 Starbucks friends online.  No major news from them, except for 1 of the Starbucks friends, who just went back to school this semester after a long hiatus and will be moving in with her boyfriend and leaving Starbucks in less than a year.  I will miss her.

Have been invited to participate in a San Francisco walking marathon by my mom’s best friend.  Not sure if I’ll go yet.

    I still talk to other friends sometimes, but they aren’t as important to me as my top 5 right now: Brooke, Trish, Ben, Kristine, and Jordan.  Friends I want to get closer to are Kaity, Mandy, Nick, Pino, Jessika, Steve, Amy, and Biruk.  

What I really need is to find a place where I can make new friends.  

    Maybe I’ll join a writer’s group.  

Maybe I’ll start a dance class.  

    Maybe I’ll get an internship at a film production company.  

I could try to get a job at my favorite store, Anthropologie.  

    I could take an art class.  

Or a film class.  

    These are all good ways to meet people, to build another community.  I need people.  People make me happy.

Need to do another load of laundry.

    Need to buy my own dishes so I don’t use the family’s.

Need to practice parallel parking so I can be confident to take my test again so I can get my license so I can be independent so I can be happy.

    Need to hang up mirror still.  Need to tack up new mag clips I found.  Need to put finishing touches on bedroom.

Need to be more involved in my treatment.  Make mood chart.  Do homework from therapy.  Always take medicine.  Exercise everyday.  Eat healthily.  Always get enough sleep.  

    Build confidence: Get dressed up and go out.  Read more.  Write more.  Draw more.  Hang out with friends more.  Make more phone calls.  Be more outgoing.  Be more organized.  Learn.  Create.  Dream.  Explore. 

Figure it out.  

    Life, I mean.  

As God As My Witness

I am doing my laundry.  

    My fuzzy puppy is curled up next to my bedroom door, sniffing at the tiny crack in the frame, whining sporadically and softly to be let out into the world.  

I am listening to Ingrid Michaelson and T-Pain, a sick combination.  

    I am thinking about doing my homework.  

But I am also thinking about watching ‘Gone With the Wind.’  

    I am going to my first heavy metal concert tonight with a friend from work.  

I am nervous, because heavy metal is new to me and I don’t know exactly what to expect.  But I am excited because I love experiencing new things.  

    I need to go to the bank to deposit some checks.  

I need to practice parallel parking.  

    I need to get excited about school; to find something, anything, that gets me revved and ready to go downtown three times a week and to work hard.  Maybe it’s that boy I met in English.  Or that girl I met in Bio lab.  

I need to hang my new mirror up.  It’s huge and it’s been sitting at the foot of my bed, unhung, for a few weeks now.  

    I need my license.  I need it so badly.  Why can’t I practice parking more?  

What’s keeping me from doing the things I need to get done?  What makes me choose a movie over homework, blogging over laundry, work over school, anything over parallel parking?  

    Even things I love to do, like write, I procrastinate on.  

I think it comes down to fear of failure.  If I don’t ever do what needs to get done or do the things I love, there’s no chance of failure.  

    Or there’s every chance, because they won’t in fact get done.  
    I’m confusing myself.  I need to get back to laundry.  

And keep breathing.  

    I won’t think about these things today, I’ll think about them tomorrow.  
    Because tomorrow is another day. 

A Bit About Me

Okay, so I just realized that this blog template doesn’t have an ‘About Me’ section, so I will tell you a little about myself in a blog entry.  

    Here goes…  

My name is Sarah Alison, I am 19.5 years old, and I happen to have a pretty awesome life.  

    I have a loving family, fabulous friends, and the most adorable puppy ever.  

I live at home :/, work at Starbucks :D , and commute to school :( .  

    My major will be Film Studies.  I will get a Masters in Film as well.  

Let’s see…I am a writer and a performer mainly, but I really have just oodles of interests (read the ‘My Interests’ blog).  

    I am using this blog as a way to both talk about my life and to also post other creative writings like short stories, poetry, or other miscellaneous garbage I happen to type up.  

Read and enjoy. :)  

My Interests

A acapella, acoustic, acting, active jobs, a day well spent, Adderall, adrenaline, adventures, advertising, alternative rock, ambition, ancient civilizations, Andy Samberg, angels, animals, animation, Anna Sui, Anne Taintor, Ann Miller, Anthropologie, antiques, answers, any kind of design, Apple Macs, apprenticeship, architecture, arriving on time, art, asymmetry,

    B balance, Barnes & Noble, baretending, basketball games, beaches, Bebe, Bed Head, being thorough ;P, belting, best friends, Bette Davis, big picture, big screens, big smiles, big sunglasses, biking, biology, black and white thrillers, blue eyes, blushing, boutiques, boyishness, brain power, breaking a sweat, breathtaking views, bright or intense colors, broad shoulders, Bryce Dallas Howard, bustedtees.com,

C cake, cameras, capitalism, cash, casual banter, challenges, change, character, charity, chemistry between people, chewing gum, children’s fantasy, chilly weather, choices, Christmastime, circles, Claire Danes, clarity, cleverness, Clintons, closeness, clubbing, coffee, collaboration, collaging, comfy sweats, coming home, concentration, concerts, contrast, control, cool breezes, corduroy, cosmology, cream, creativity, cultures,

    D Dane Cook, dancing, daring, dawn, debates, debit cards, Debbie Reynolds, decadence, decorating, deep discussions, deep voices, defending positions, democracy, depending on no one, designer fashions, details, determination, dictionaries, diet sodas, differences, dipping cookies in milk, directing, Disney World, discoveries, dominance, Doris Day, double entendres, down time, dreams, dressing up, Drew Barrymore, driving, dusk, DuWop, dysfunctions, DVDs,

E earning it, ecclecticism, Edith Piaf, effervescence, efficiency, egality/equality, electric blankets, Elie Saab, Elle, Emma Thompson, emotion, empty, echoey spaces, energy, enterprising, Entertainment Weekly, entrepreneurship, environmentalism, epiphanies, estrogen, evening walks, even-tempered people, exploring, Express, extremes,

    F falling snow, fearlessness, fedoras, feminism, ferocity, fields of grass, filmmaking, finishing what I start, fitness, fishnet, flag spinning, flirtation, foliage, fonts, football games, forever, forgetting to be shy, fortune, frankness, Frank Sinatra, frappuccinos, freedom, French, french horn, Friday, frisbees, friskiness, frothy foam,

G gardens, Gene Kelly, generosity, genuineness, getting wild, glass, giving gifts, going far away, goofballs, grace, grapefruit, great expectations, greeting cards, gusto, guys with shaggy hair :) ,

    H hair straighteners, handwriting, haphazard techniques, Harrison Ford, HBO, health, high cielings, high quality, hip hop, history, Holocaust, Homer Simpson, hope, horizons, horseback riding, hotness, house music, huge headphones, hugs, humor,

I ideals, Ikea, illusions, illustration, imagination, imitating, impatience, independence, indignation, individuality, innovation, inspiration, instinct, instrumentals, intellectuals, internships, introspection, inventions, iPod, Irish look (fair skin, red hair, freckles), Italia, Izzes,

    J James Dean, Jane Austen, Japan, jazz, jersey cotton, Jodie Foster, Jon Stewart, journaling, journeys, Judd Apatow, Judy Garland,

K Kate Winslet, Katharine Hepburn, Key West, killer dresses and heels, kites, kisses, Kurt Halsey,

    L lasting relationships, laughing, lawn gnomes, leadership, learning, legs, Leonardo DiCaprio, liberalism, lists, logic, London, long necklaces, long-term, looong pants, loud music, love, loyalty, luck, Luna bars,

M Manhattan, mania, maquillaje, Marie Antoinette, Marilyn Monroe, Marlon Brando, marriage, Martin Scorsese, maturity, memories, messy pretty, Michael’s, mingling, Miu Miu, modesty, money, moonbeams, morality, mosaics, motion, musical theater,

    N Natalie Portman, naturalism, nerds, neurology, never say never, New Orleans, New York City, nighttime, no doubts, no inhibitions, nonviolence, nostalgia, novelty, no weakness, Nutella,

O oatmeal, OCD, oddities, old buildings, Old Hollywood, open minds, organization,

    P painting, paisley, paper, Paris, parties, passion, peanut butter and jelly, pepper jack cheese, perfection, performing, perfume, perseverance, persuasion, philosophy, photography, Photoshop, pin-up girls, plans, plastics, playing cards, pop art, Postsecret, Pottery Barn, psychiatry, pschology,

Q Queen Elizabeth I, questioning, quirks,

    R rarity, rationality, Razrs, reaching potential, reading, reason, reliability, ‘Rent,’ rest, retro, revealed secrets, rhyme, rhythm, Rita Moreno, Roma, Ron Howard, roses,

S sales, San Francisco, San Marco Square, sarcasm, Savannah, Scarlett O’Hara, secret passageways, senses, sentimentality, Sephora, small dogs, sociology, Soho, soy, spaciousness, specialty, spirit, spontaneity, sporks, spunk, starting projects, Stephen Speilberg, strength, strong wills, structure, Sudoku, sugar, Superman, supernatural, support, surprises, swimming,

    T tall boys, Target, Tazo Chai, that fresh clean feeling, Thesauri, thrift stores, Tina Fey, tips, ‘Titanic,’ Tivo, Tom Hanks, Tom Welling, torch ballads, Toyota, trapezing, truth, trying new things,

U unexpectedness, Urban Dictionary, used bookstores,

    V Venezia, Vera Wang, Versailles, vibrato, Victoria’s Secret, video games, vintage, virtuosity, Vivien Leigh, Vogue, Volkswagen,

W waiting for nothing, waking up to my dad’s pancakes, wanting it all, warm sunshine, ‘West Side Story,’ whatever’s new, white mocha, white teeth, windows, wondering what will happen, words, working solo, world history, writing…

The Bestest Customers Do It In Line

Some highlights from my life recently:

    1) I stole my parents’ car without a license.  And drove it to work.  Way to milk it, Sarah.

2) I began school and met a really super guy in my Bio class.  We talked for an hour and a half and he walked me to my next class.  Don’t worry, he has a girlfriend.  It would really suck if I caught a break every once in awhile in the boy department. 

    3) I decided to completely change directions schoolwise, and instead of going to Tech for Computational Media, I am now planning on going to UGA for Film Studies.  I’ll still end up in Film School eventually, but I won’t have to take 2 years of Calculus to get there anymore.  I’m just too damn artsy

If you want details on any of these topics, just go ask someone who cares, because I sure don’t.  

    Moving on…

Starbucks customers!  

    Listen up to this important customer behavior bulletin! 

How To Order and Receive a Delicious Starbucks Beverage (Without Making Your Barista Want To Shove Your Face Into The Grinder):

    1) Enter the establishment.  Spend several minutes inspecting the merchandise and pastry case.  Ask for full details on anything you see.  Let you kids fondle and drop whatever they can reach.  Ask if anything is on sale.  Ask pretty please.  Bring up another store that had their merchandise on sale.

2) Get in line.  Or just sidle along the tile as slowly as you can.  Maybe you have a person with you that you can whisper to, whine at, or tug on.  Or maybe you’d prefer talking loudly into your cell phone at our faces.  Be as ambiguous as you can about your position in the line, whatever you choose to do.   

    3) Staring at the menu for five minutes is an option.  Feel free to take this decision as seriously as you would take purchasing a car.  You must be willing to look at every possible issue that may arise from buying a particular drink.  Some questions to ask yourself are: Can they make it cold?  Can they make it nonfat?  Can they make it decaf?  Can they make it with half the caffeine, twice the syrup, and soy milk?  Can they make it extra hot?  What about adding splenda?  Can I get half nonfat milk and half soy milk?  Can I get- YES.  The answer is always yes.  Just ask for it.  But be warned that your barista may hate you in direct proportion to how many inane customizations you add to a drink.  Or they may not.  Sometimes we love a good challenge.      

4) Once you have a thorough understanding of the expansive choices, order a plain black coffee.  Why deviate from a classic?

    5) If your feeling a bit friskier, you may order a more fun drink; one with plenty of strict specifications.  Never bother to learn how to order it correctly, though.  Ask for an extra hot vanilla latte without fat, 2 splendas, decaffeinated, sugar free, with whip, and 2 extra pumps.  That’s right, don’t give us the size.  Why bother with ounces?  You just want your drink done right.  Don’t even give us the size after we ask you for it. 

6) If you are one of those people who find size important, please don’t learn the names we give ours.  Just go with “small,” “in between,” and “that big size.”  If you have no clue what the sizes are and you want to find out, look up at the menu.  The size examples are sitting on the counter, but referring to the menu always shows attentiveness.  We get so many attentive customers, we don’t know what to do with them.

    7) Once you have successfully relayed your order to us, ask for the price to verify what the cash register reads.  Eager customers who toss their money directly on the counter and walk off are appreciated, as are those who shove their cards in our faces before we have a chance to punch in the order.  We really enjoy counting up exact change, too, and even any old random change you might have, but only if it takes you ten years to rummage around in your pockets or purse for it.  

8 ) When you have paid, don’t move from that spot.  Stay right where you are to block the counter from upcoming customers.

    9) If you eventually make your way over to the pass-off counter, lean on it and stare at your barista as he/she prepares your drink.  Make comments on their work, and give suggestions when necessary.  If you’re too shy for that, find a table on the farthest side of the store and don’t listen for your drink to be called.  For those close to the bar, but not leaning on it, listen closely for your drink name.  When a drink is called, make a frowny face if it is not yours and a confused expression if it is.  Or don’t make any expression at all.  We love to guess what you’re thinking.  Repeat the drink name after us and stare at the cup distastefully as you walk away.  Or better yet: take a sip and ask us to make it again.  If the barista is someone you find cute, please, oh please flirt, tease, and generally harass him or her as much as you feel like.  They’re trapped behind the counter; what they can they do in response?

These are only a few of the wide variety of positive customer behaviors that Starbucks condones.  Follow these steps and you just may find your way into a barista’s heart.  

You Smell Like Starbucks

I love the way my hands smell when I come home from work at Starbucks.  They smell like milk and coffee.  Of course.  But more.  Like the store itself, all the people inside, the very atmosphere.  

    I love the warm feeling it gives me hours after I’ve been off my shift.  I might bring my hands close to my nose later in the day and all at once I’m filled with comfort.  

I can hear the gentle internal humming of the espresso machines, the hissing, fizzing milk being steamed, the harsh, pounding whirring of the coffee grinder, the trickling, gushing, flowing, dribbling liquids all pouring out.  

    These have become beautiful sounds to me.  

And the layout of the store has become like my home parlor.  I can see every corner, every scratch, every polished, worn surface that makes it up.  All the memories of hectic morning rushes; thumping pitchers, warping jugs, splattering foam, and racing hearts; of steady mid-day streams; soaking grinds, soapy dishes, ringing register, and catching breaths; of slowing afternoon lulls; crackling trash bags, powdery mocha and cream, crumbling pastries, and peaceful sighs; and of quiet, contemplative evenings; swept floor, faintly, silently, fading lights and sounds; a falling hush; are present in the store.  

    I have felt the sun rise and set from behind the glass walls, have experienced the hopeful, fluttery pre-dawn feeling as well as the sleepy stillness of post-dusk.  

It is a wonderful place.  

    But the only reason I find such things as running milk and brewing coffee so wonderful is the people.  

The customers have their charms and their smiles, yes, but the people I a talking about are the baristas; the crew.

    I can see Trish, a woman-in-charge, controlled and steadfast, as angelic as she is hardened, smiling as she relays a story from her life to me. 
      I can see Joan, the manager, carrying a notebook, eyes always searching, always working, never finished, giving me instructions on new protocol, maybe even letting herself grin at a passing joke.  

     
    I can see Ben, ever-confident and hard-driving; a teddy bear beneath the layers; laughing as he teases me.

      And Biruk, the superman, is rushing around, mind in a million different directions, beaming at me as he leaves a trail of havoc behind him.  

      
    Steve rolls his eyes, snarking and wincing, but patiently working diligently; he is a sweetheart disguised in a jaded, hard-worn exterior. 

      Jessika is endlessly pouring drink after drink, steaming and stirring as she grows closer to every customer and partner with her stories and smiles. 

    Angelo chuckles merrily, punching in orders, charming everyone with both his flamboyance and genuineness.

      Amy enters the store silently and glumly but leaves in effervescence and piles of cheery laughter; she is competent, strong, smart, and a real goofball.  

    Tuan rolls through the place like a trail of fire, cleaning and working, his hands like two sticks that when rubbed together create sparks; he is funny and full of life, though slow to warm at first.

      Laurel is a cheeky woman with an edge of sarcasm and a center of sweetness who works the evenings with a casual air befitting a place like Starbucks.  

      
    I could go on forever about each person’s eccentricities and loveliness.

      Trish says that everything happens for a reason.  My reasons for applying for the job at Starbucks were few.  My reasons for staying are many, and at times undescribable.  Hopefully, in a year or two when I have to leave, I’ll be ready, but I couldn’t imagine leaving now.  

      
    Starbucks, my Starbucks, has become like my other family,

      my second home,

    my sanctuary from solitude, school, stress,

      and real life.  

      Because it isn’t like real life.  It’s a show.  

      And I always loved a show.

One Year Goes Unseen in One Face

picture-997.jpgimg_1179.jpg

    Both pictures taken on Dec 31.  

The first in 2006.  

    The second in 2007.  

The changes are nearly invisible, but exist.  

    Look at your pictures, a year apart.  Can you tell the differences from one year to the next?  

Look in the eyes.  

    The second ones have experienced an entire year more life.  

Think about what they have seen this year.  What changed them, what changed you so you’ll never be the same ever again?  

    Is it a place?  (New York City.  Soho)  

A person?  (The Starbucks crew)  

Or just a moment?  

    One moment that turned you from picture 1 to picture 2.  

One whole year.  

And yet, you look the same.  Same face, same smile.  You are still you.  

    Perspective.  The thing we all need to gain sometimes.  

When life is hard, take a step back.  Take life slowly.  

    One day at a time.  
    One year at a time.  

You’re moving too fast.  

    Find your perspective.  
    Happy New Year.