Some highlights from my life recently:

1) I stole my parents’ car without a license.  And drove it to work.  Way to milk it, Sarah.

2) I began school and met a really super guy in my Bio class.  We talked for an hour and a half and he walked me to my next class.  Don’t worry, he has a girlfriend.  It would really suck if I caught a break every once in awhile in the boy department. 

3) I decided to completely change directions schoolwise, and instead of going to Tech for Computational Media, I am now planning on going to UGA for Film Studies.  I’ll still end up in Film School eventually, but I won’t have to take 2 years of Calculus to get there anymore.  I’m just too damn artsy. 

If you want details on any of these topics, just go ask someone who cares, because I sure don’t.  

Moving on…

Starbucks customers!  

Listen up to this important customer behavior bulletin! 

How To Order and Receive a Delicious Starbucks Beverage (Without Making Your Barista Want To Shove Your Face Into The Grinder):

1) Enter the establishment.  Spend several minutes inspecting the merchandise and pastry case.  Ask for full details on anything you see.  Let you kids fondle and drop whatever they can reach.  Ask if anything is on sale.  Ask pretty please.  Bring up another store that had their merchandise on sale.

2) Get in line.  Or just sidle along the tile as slowly as you can.  Maybe you have a person with you that you can whisper to, whine at, or tug on.  Or maybe you’d prefer talking loudly into your cell phone at our faces.  Be as ambiguous as you can about your position in the line, whatever you choose to do.   

3) Staring at the menu for five minutes is an option.  Feel free to take this decision as seriously as you would take purchasing a car.  You must be willing to look at every possible issue that may arise from buying a particular drink.  Some questions to ask yourself are: Can they make it cold?  Can they make it nonfat?  Can they make it decaf?  Can they make it with half the caffeine, twice the syrup, and soy milk?  Can they make it extra hot?  What about adding splenda?  Can I get half nonfat milk and half soy milk?  Can I get- YES.  The answer is always yes.  Just ask for it.  But be warned that your barista may hate you in direct proportion to how many inane customizations you add to a drink.  Or they may not.  Sometimes we love a good challenge.      

4) Once you have a thorough understanding of the expansive choices, order a plain black coffee.  Why deviate from a classic?

5) If your feeling a bit friskier, you may order a more fun drink; one with plenty of strict specifications.  Never bother to learn how to order it correctly, though.  Ask for an extra hot vanilla latte without fat, 2 splendas, decaffeinated, sugar free, with whip, and 2 extra pumps.  That’s right, don’t give us the size.  Why bother with ounces?  You just want your drink done right.  Don’t even give us the size after we ask you for it. 

6) If you are one of those people who find size important, please don’t learn the names we give ours.  Just go with “small,” “in between,” and “that big size.”  If you have no clue what the sizes are and you want to find out, look up at the menu.  The size examples are sitting on the counter, but referring to the menu always shows attentiveness.  We get so many attentive customers, we don’t know what to do with them.

7) Once you have successfully relayed your order to us, ask for the price to verify what the cash register reads.  Eager customers who toss their money directly on the counter and walk off are appreciated, as are those who shove their cards in our faces before we have a chance to punch in the order.  We really enjoy counting up exact change, too, and even any old random change you might have, but only if it takes you ten years to rummage around in your pockets or purse for it.  

8 ) When you have paid, don’t move from that spot.  Stay right where you are to block the counter from upcoming customers.

9) If you eventually make your way over to the pass-off counter, lean on it and stare at your barista as he/she prepares your drink.  Make comments on their work, and give suggestions when necessary.  If you’re too shy for that, find a table on the farthest side of the store and don’t listen for your drink to be called.  For those close to the bar, but not leaning on it, listen closely for your drink name.  When a drink is called, make a frowny face if it is not yours and a confused expression if it is.  Or don’t make any expression at all.  We love to guess what you’re thinking.  Repeat the drink name after us and stare at the cup distastefully as you walk away.  Or better yet: take a sip and ask us to make it again.  If the barista is someone you find cute, please, oh please flirt, tease, and generally harass him or her as much as you feel like.  They’re trapped behind the counter; what they can they do in response?

These are only a few of the wide variety of positive customer behaviors that Starbucks condones.  Follow these steps and you just may find your way into a barista’s heart.