Cogitate On This

Another So-Called Life

Archive for January 31, 2008

Eulogy to A Crush

January 31, 2008 at 10:55 pm · Filed under Poetry

I don’t remember meeting you

    I don’t recall your face

If you smiled magnanimous or if you shrugged and slouched in place

    Didn’t know a thing about you

Don’t believe I cared

    And looking back, I cannot pinpoint what time for me you appeared

But finally it happened

    Over many weeks stretched out

You grew to be someone in my life who I couldn’t do without

    We worked together all the time

We slowly showed ourselves

    And little things when added up made it obvious to tell

I won’t describe your charms and light

    I’d go forever on

But just know that I love you as one person loves another one

    I told you straight into your face

That I cared for you

    You apologized and sighed and said for you it wasn’t true

Work was in the way, as was

    The ex-girlfriend you loved

You couldn’t move on from the past you knew, although I tried to nudge

    I accepted this, and yes,

For the moment, I felt fine

    I thought I could get over you in speedy lightning record time

I expected far too much 

    From my tattered heart

And at the end of one long week, I shattered, breaking, fell apart

    I wept upon your shoulder

And asked things that churned inside

    And though you were so gentle, sweet, your answers made me want to die

For you said “no,” you said it clear

    And in the end, I heard it ring

It stopped my winsome swooning, for its hollow, empty sound did sting

    I realized then as I know now

That you played victim in this tale

    I projected my hopes on you, now we know to no avail

I took my dreams of being loved

    Of having a relationship

And thrust them on the nearest boy who seemed to be a decent fit

    Although you’re not right for me

And probably will never be

    And this was a mistake that makes me laugh with bitter agony

I’m still glad it happened

    I still think you’re great

I’ll be your friend forever, but I’ll never try to be your date

    Someday we’ll find love

Both of us, indeed

    We’ll be so happy someday, when we find the ones we sorely need.   

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Starting Now

January 31, 2008 at 7:40 pm · Filed under Lists, News

Went to heavy metal concert on Monday, the 21st.  It rocked.

    Decided to drop out of school on Thursday.

Had a mini cry-fest at Starbucks on Friday about leaving school and about a boy.

    Went to a party at a friends’ house on Saturday and had my first beer.  Cried again.  Had profound moments with each one of my drunk friends from Starbucks.

Saw a friend’s heavy metal band practice on Sunday.  They rocked.

    Found out on Tuesday that my Starbucks store manager is leaving in less than a month.  She needs more time with her family.  I will really miss her, as a person and as a manager. 

Found out on Wednesday that my friend who is not in school has decided to go back.  Am so proud of him.

    Have been corresponding with 3 NY friends and 1 UGA friend and 3 Starbucks friends online.  No major news from them, except for 1 of the Starbucks friends, who just went back to school this semester after a long hiatus and will be moving in with her boyfriend and leaving Starbucks in less than a year.  I will miss her.

Have been invited to participate in a San Francisco walking marathon by my mom’s best friend.  Not sure if I’ll go yet.

    I still talk to other friends sometimes, but they aren’t as important to me as my top 5 right now: Brooke, Trish, Ben, Kristine, and Jordan.  Friends I want to get closer to are Kaity, Mandy, Nick, Pino, Jessika, Steve, Amy, and Biruk.  

What I really need is to find a place where I can make new friends.  

    Maybe I’ll join a writer’s group.  

Maybe I’ll start a dance class.  

    Maybe I’ll get an internship at a film production company.  

I could try to get a job at my favorite store, Anthropologie.  

    I could take an art class.  

Or a film class.  

    These are all good ways to meet people, to build another community.  I need people.  People make me happy.

Need to do another load of laundry.

    Need to buy my own dishes so I don’t use the family’s.

Need to practice parallel parking so I can be confident to take my test again so I can get my license so I can be independent so I can be happy.

    Need to hang up mirror still.  Need to tack up new mag clips I found.  Need to put finishing touches on bedroom.

Need to be more involved in my treatment.  Make mood chart.  Do homework from therapy.  Always take medicine.  Exercise everyday.  Eat healthily.  Always get enough sleep.  

    Build confidence: Get dressed up and go out.  Read more.  Write more.  Draw more.  Hang out with friends more.  Make more phone calls.  Be more outgoing.  Be more organized.  Learn.  Create.  Dream.  Explore. 

Figure it out.  

    Life, I mean.  

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