Cogitate On This

Another So-Called Life

Archive for February, 2008

No Feeling Is Final

No feeling is final.  

    That’s what my therapist tells me.

Look at the monster in the cage.

    Look closely and see who’s there.

It’s only me. 

    We’re getting into some heavy stuff in those sessions.

I wish I had someone to tell who would understand.

    I wish all my friends had therpists.

They sure need them. 

VD-Day Lovin’

Alright, folks, it’s Saint Valentine’s Day and I could not be more ecstatic.  Ha.  I am from the camp of people who believe V-Day is just another sham holiday created by shrewd businesspeople wanting to make a buck.  Wait, did I say V-Day?  I meant to say VD-Day, as one of my coworkers accidentally called it today.  Perfect.  Express your love by spreading STDs.  I’ll spread love with words.  Listen up for your name…

    Joan- When Ben was five minutes late, I almost wanted to call you.  Several times today, when the phone rang, I almost thought it was you.  When I look at the last schedule you made, and see your handwriting, it’s almost like you’re still here.  We’re going to miss you more than you know.  Who will our next manager be?  Someone not as good as you.

Mom- Why do you still give me rides?  Seriously.  I am such a loser.  My goal is to pass the driver’s test before the month is out.  By your birthday, I want my license.  And on that day, I can give YOU a ride and show you how important you are to me.  You are such a good person and such a good mother.  Don’t ever doubt yourself.  You are my rock.  My rock.  I wouldn’t survive without you.

    Dad- You work so hard.  So ridiculously nonstop.  How do you do it?  Really, I want to know, because I need whatever you’ve got.  It’s intelligence, it’s ambition, but it’s also character.  You have the best character out of anyone I know.  And I’m not saying that just because you’re my dad.  You are amazing.  You are the most stable, reliable force in my life.  Thank you.

Andy- Oh my God, boy!  Why didn’t you TELL us that you were Chief Programmer for a really popular website?!  Damn!  Congrats!  You impress me so much with your computer knowledge and initiative.  You are brilliant.  You have the potential to do anything.  Do it.  I know you can.  Listen and hear me.  Write that essay.  You have a kickass vocabulary and are very articulate.  I believe in you.

    Brooke- Oh, my Brookie-loo, my chica, I love you.  Even though you are at UGA, getting ready to graduate early, and I am at home, being a starving artist, we are connected.  We just fit.  I really hope we will remain friends for a very long time, because we understand each other.  It’s not often that that happens.  You are like my long lost sister.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being so supportive during my nutcase phase (aka now).  I’ll be coming to Athens soon to see you.  You keep me afloat. 

Nick- I miss you everyday.  We used to be like siblings.  Now you are so far away, living this different life, and I really miss the long days and nights we spent together.  Since freaking sixth grade!  You will always be important to me.  We NEED to stay in touch.  I love you like I love sunny days and big hugs (a whole lot).

    Pino- You are quite a person.  So very smart, so very sweet, and so very good.  I really admire you for supporting yourself.  That is an impressive feat.  I also completely understand your problems with school.  We’re alike more than you know.  In all the bad ways, haha.  You and my brother are the same person, too.  In the good ways.  I really miss having your comforting presence around.  We need to talk more!  Answer my messages, boy!

Michael Marie- I really wish we had been better friends in high school.  I’m so glad we are getting closer now, though.  You are such an strong, interesting, intelligent person, and you should never think otherwise.  I just think you’re awesome.  :)  Thank you for your kind words and for listening to me when I needed to be heard.  We need to hang out more, even though you are at Berry.  I should come visit you.

    Mandy- Girl, we are friends for life, no matter what happens.  I will always support you.  We NEED to hang out more.  I’m here.  Even though we have grown into two very different people, we still have that connection, that bond.  It will never go away.  Really.  I got you, babe. :)

Kristine (Stini)- My sista from another mista, my Asian lover, my biffle for life; I could not miss you more.  Why can’t we be together?!  It sucks.  Your very presence can brighten my life.  And when you’re not around, all I have are memories.  I want you to know how special you are to me and how much I admire and love you.  I’m coming to the Freddy again next fall, if you’ll have me.

    Kaity- You are one in a million.  I love it.  I miss hanging out, talking, going to crazy parties.  Basically, I just think you’re nifty keen and I can’t wait to see you again this fall!  

Jordan- Some days I wonder why I met you.  I was torn away rom you too soon.  You are such a fantastic person and I am SO mad that I can’t be with you.  Your talent and love of writing is something that I really appreciate.  We are the same person, basically.  Keep it up.  I’ll be sure to stay in touch.

    Trish (T-licious)- Okay, missy, here it is: you’ve changed me.  You’ve opened my eyes to some of the realities of the world and made me more empathetic and understanding and accepting of differences.  You’re the friend I should’ve had all my life.  You are commanding and confident, sensitive and compassionate, genuine and unapologetically you, hardworking and helpful, funny, deep, ambitious, and good to your core.  I look up to you for wisdom of all kinds and for your unmatched effort at work.  You are a fighter, a dreamer, and a doer, and I love you. Oh, and you make the best frappuccinos ever.

Ben- You’re like a crime-fighting superhero.  Barista Boy will be your name and Tuan, God of Thunder, can be your sidekick.  But forget work.  Forget the band, too.  You, all by yourself, are special.  You’re maddeningly goofy and funny, annoyingly friendly and charismatic, ridiculously unflinchable and confident, obscenely hardworking and benevolent, shockingly thoughtful and deep, and just fucking aggravatingly wonderful to be around.  I hate you.  That’s a lie.  I love you and you are one of my best friends.  Alright, the mushy parade ends here.  See me in person for abuse, disrespect, and undermining of confidence.     

    Steve- You’re the absolute sweetest sweetie pie that there ever was!  All the sappy stuff I’ve told you before still is true.  You’re incredibly smart, thoughtful, caring, helpful, ad interesting.  You are rare and precious, like a diamond.  Seriously, NEVER doubt yourself, because you are fabulous and always will be.  Deal with it.  

Jessika- Senorita Madriz, you already know how much I respect your linguistic skills and relate to your passion for design.  You’re living the dream.  School and Starbucks; a match made in Heaven.  Seriously, I think you are a powerful, wonderful person, and I wish I could be as confident and put-together as you are.  I bow down to the barista queen.

    Biruk- I’m in love with you.  The end.  You are my idol, working two demanding jobs AND going to school for architecture/engineering.  AND you speak like a bazillion languages.  AND you’re a cutie patoot.  You’re the sweetest person I’ve possibly ever met, and you always make my day happier, even when you’re in your worst mood and your nose is bleeding and you have to put the order away.  You never stop impressing me with not only your hard work, but with your honest-to-goodness kindness.  Thank you so very much.

Amy- When are we going to a metal show?  I can’t wait.  I think you are such a unique and inspiring person.  I love hearing your stories, your music, and working with you, of course.  At work, you are the most diligent, conscientious barista.  But I love when you get crazy most of all.  Never lose your zany side; it’s amazing.  I think you will accomplish great things in your life.

    Tuan (God)- You little punk.  I heart you madly.  You are so hardworking and competent, even on days when you feel like killing customers and throwing things.  You make me smile even when you frown.  Keep it up, kid, because you will go far in life, whatever you decide to do.  I only wish I worked with you more.  You make a mean frappuccino.

Anna Marie- I think you’re incredible.  So warm and bubbly and fun and full of life.  You make me giddy every time I work with you.  I think you are an excellent employee and you shouldn’t be down on yourself.  Ever.  Your enthusiasm and energy are just what we need at Starbucks.  I appreciate your kindness and openness with me and I hope that you can forgive me for what happened today.  I really genuinely respect you and love being around you.    

My Words

I don’t know how to write.  

    I mean, I know the English language.  I know how to form letters into words, words into phrases, phrases into sentences.  I know what it all means.

 But I don’t know how it happens.  How do thoughts, perfectly constructed, enter into my consciousness?  

    My words just come, in this unexplainable, unpredictable way.  They come in great floods some days.  

Squeezing, spilling, streaming.  

    They overwhelm me.  My emotions in tangible form.  

And some days, they trickle.  

    Little droplets that never puddle.  

But even on flood days, they never become an ocean.  An entire work.  

    Always rivers leading to nowhere.  

I wish they would.  I wish I had the patience.  I wish I had the control.  The stamina.  

    But my words, like my emotions, are as of yet uncontrollable.  

And there’s no knowing what will happen next. 

What To Do

Do the splits

    Do an accent

Do yourself proud

    Do him

Draw a portrait

    Draw the right conclusions 

Write a letter

    Write it off  

Make something unique

    Make believe 

Make inquisitions

    Master the art of baking birthday cakes

Master your abs

    Masturbate

Outdo your coworkers

    Outsmart the competition

Outweigh the other options

    Tell everyone

Tell no one

    Create art out of trash

Create friendship in the face of fear

    Spread yourself thin

Spread peanut butter

    Spread love

Eat healthily

    Eat less

Eat your heart out

    Break away

Break your heart

    Break a leg

Be a sinner

    Be a fool 

Be whatever you want to be

    Be happy 

Become 

    Ride the subway

Ride on airplanes

    Ride off into the sunset

Ride it out

    Ride hard

Drive the point home

    Drive yourself crazy

Drive a car

    Bite your tongue

Bit the bullet

    Bite me 

Acquire a new skill

    Acquire confidence

Let it be

    Let it out

Let yourself make mistakes

    Have no fear

Have opinions 

    Have a piece

Get going

    Get a clue

Get it

    Practice everyday

Give it a go

    Give yourself a break

Give in 

    Play outside

Play pretend

    Play around

Play your air guitar 

    Stick around

Stick it out

    Stick the landing

Stick it to them

    Drink up

Capture contentment

    Look at the sky

Look for hope

    Look inside

Learn as much as possible

    Lead your life

Lead the fight

    Lead onward

Jump at the chance

    Jump for joy

Take risks

    Take control

Take the cake

    Come down

Come around

    Come toward the light

Dare to confront your fears

    Dare to be different

Dare to dream 

    Don’t conform

Don’t beat yourself up

    Don’t do drugs

Please try

    Please promise

Please pretty please me

    Share your stories

Share your time

    Decide who’s in charge

Decide on a place

    Deny losers

Try to be strong

    Try a new food

Try and stop me

    Yell at the top of your lungs 

Cheat no one

    Lie never

Steal not 

    Sing a song

Dance your dance

    Find yourself

Find love

    Find happiness

Find out what life is about     

Clever Title Here

You know who I dislike?  

    Hannah Montana (or whatever her real name is).  For the same reasons I dislike the Olson Twins and Britney Spears.  

Girls that are too young that are being asked to sing, dress, act, etc, like bimbos.  It’s disgusting.  

    But what do I really dislike about her, beyond the baby whore aspect?  

Her pointlessness.  

    Stupid, pointless musicians.  Go on myspace.  More than half of the musicians out there are stupid and pointless.  They serve no purpose other than to make noise, to generate instantaneous feelings that disappear the minute the music dies.  

I can’t talk about this anymore.  It’s making me annoyed.  Just thinking about Tila Tequila is enough.  

    Maybe I’ll write a real argument about pointless musicians later…

I voted for the first time yesterday.  Super Tuesday.  

    Obama ended up winning for the Democrats in Georgia.  

I voted for Hillary.  She has excellent plans, oodles of experience, and come on, remember Bill?  Remember how happy we were when Bill was in office?  

    I don’t really care, actually.  Obama is amazing.  As long as a Democrat wins in November, I’m fine.  

Actually, as long as our country comes out of these dark ages, no matter who is in office, I’m fine. 

Fucking Life, Man

It’s February 

    What the fuck happened to January? 

    I worked at a different store yesterday. Howell Ferry.

It was crap.

    Eight hours.

Slow.

    I didn’t get to make drinks.

The people there were nice-ish I guess.

    But not really.

It was a drive-thru store, so it was a bit confusing at first.

    All I did was mark cups.

I was bored.

    I almost had to work there again today, but I didn’t because my meds have turned me into a zombie woman. I could barely walk this morning. So I showed up and they sent me home.

Thank God.

    Just went back home and slipped back into sleep.

I feel weak, like I can’t feel my whole body. And my mind is definitely dulled.

    What does one do in this situation? When they’re sick?

I’m sick. Mentally, at least.

    How does one take care of themselves?

I can’t wait to work again at my own store.

    To make the familiar drinks at my own bar.

To see the lovely faces I cherish so much.

    Why do I love it so much? Why do I need it? Why do I need them?

I cant make sense of it.

    I’m sure if I quit, I would find a new place and new friends.

I would go on; I wouldn’t cave in.

    I would start a new life as a kind of brand new person.

But I won’t quit.

    Not yet.

I still get to much benefit from the job: financially, emotionally, physically, mentally.

    In every way, Starbucks has helped me.

I wish I knew what else I wanted to do.

    How do I take care of myself?

What else do I want to do with my life?

    Who am I?

I’ll keep asking these questions until they are answered.

    And February will become March

and March will become April

    and life will keep moving on,

so I must move on with it.

    I must learn how.

School Is Dead

School is dead

    Frozen, pale, brittle

It was murdered

    By neglect

School is dead

    Its corpse stricken

Under miles of

    Fear and dreck

I hate its face

    Its fearful grimace

Eyes that filled me

    Full of shame

I hate its voice

    Its thud of doom

A booming metronome

    Of blame

Its shriveled hands

    Did point at me

When it was quite alive and well

    But I did look away

I ran away

    And I am running still

Even though it lies dead

    In its bolted coffin now

I am drowned in fear

    That it will spring awake somehow

That it will chase me

    Through my days

Accusing me of being bad

    Accusing me of being dumb

Or of being too damn sad

    “There is something wrong with you”

School will tell me this out loud

    “You will never ever be worthy”

It whispers smug and proud

    But it is dead and buried

Out of sight it will stay

    The deed is done, I killed it clean

It should be far away

    The dirt above its coffin

Hides hideousness within

    The grass upon the dirt

Hides the ugly skeleton

    I look at the grass and wonder

What it would be like to dig

    To tear through soil and ground

To unearth my problem so big

    And so I start to rip apart

The filthy brown debris

    My hands a mess

My face distressed

    My body sore and fatigued

It drains my soul

    My very core

Who I am I don’t know anymore

    What I want

What I’m doing

    All gets lost in the tumbling ruin

And after six feet

    Ends the craze

After a lifetime

    In the maze

I rise, bloody

    I rise, smoking

I fizz, I spark

    I’m nearly broken

After this ordeal

    I smash

Open the coffin

    Flaring crash

And lying there

    Lit up with light

Is school

    A vibrant, youthful sprite

No feeble, trembling, spindly beast

    But fearless radiance

An intellectual feast

    I look upward

And see the sky

    But blocking my view

Is dirt piled high

    Scads of soil

Mountains of mire

    And I’m at the bottom

Of this terrible ire 

    This fearful, feculent tower I see

Has been slashed through by little old me

    I fought through the muck

I tore through the pain

    And now I see allI had to gain

I gained something

    In what I lost

I lost my fear

    No matter the cost

I lost my fear

    I dug a hole

I made a gash

    Inside my soul

The fear was dirt

    Dirt decrepit

That hid school

    And other bodies like it

And now with fear

    Destroyed at last

I can go to school

    And live above the grass