It’s February 

What the fuck happened to January? 

I worked at a different store yesterday. Howell Ferry.

It was crap.

Eight hours.

Slow.

I didn’t get to make drinks.

The people there were nice-ish I guess.

But not really.

It was a drive-thru store, so it was a bit confusing at first.

All I did was mark cups.

I was bored.

I almost had to work there again today, but I didn’t because my meds have turned me into a zombie woman. I could barely walk this morning. So I showed up and they sent me home.

Thank God.

Just went back home and slipped back into sleep.

I feel weak, like I can’t feel my whole body. And my mind is definitely dulled.

What does one do in this situation? When they’re sick?

I’m sick. Mentally, at least.

How does one take care of themselves?

I can’t wait to work again at my own store.

To make the familiar drinks at my own bar.

To see the lovely faces I cherish so much.

Why do I love it so much? Why do I need it? Why do I need them?

I cant make sense of it.

I’m sure if I quit, I would find a new place and new friends.

I would go on; I wouldn’t cave in.

I would start a new life as a kind of brand new person.

But I won’t quit.

Not yet.

I still get to much benefit from the job: financially, emotionally, physically, mentally.

In every way, Starbucks has helped me.

I wish I knew what else I wanted to do.

How do I take care of myself?

What else do I want to do with my life?

Who am I?

I’ll keep asking these questions until they are answered.

And February will become March

and March will become April

and life will keep moving on,

so I must move on with it.

I must learn how.