Cogitate On This

Another So-Called Life

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VD-Day Lovin’

Alright, folks, it’s Saint Valentine’s Day and I could not be more ecstatic.  Ha.  I am from the camp of people who believe V-Day is just another sham holiday created by shrewd businesspeople wanting to make a buck.  Wait, did I say V-Day?  I meant to say VD-Day, as one of my coworkers accidentally called it today.  Perfect.  Express your love by spreading STDs.  I’ll spread love with words.  Listen up for your name…

    Joan- When Ben was five minutes late, I almost wanted to call you.  Several times today, when the phone rang, I almost thought it was you.  When I look at the last schedule you made, and see your handwriting, it’s almost like you’re still here.  We’re going to miss you more than you know.  Who will our next manager be?  Someone not as good as you.

Mom- Why do you still give me rides?  Seriously.  I am such a loser.  My goal is to pass the driver’s test before the month is out.  By your birthday, I want my license.  And on that day, I can give YOU a ride and show you how important you are to me.  You are such a good person and such a good mother.  Don’t ever doubt yourself.  You are my rock.  My rock.  I wouldn’t survive without you.

    Dad- You work so hard.  So ridiculously nonstop.  How do you do it?  Really, I want to know, because I need whatever you’ve got.  It’s intelligence, it’s ambition, but it’s also character.  You have the best character out of anyone I know.  And I’m not saying that just because you’re my dad.  You are amazing.  You are the most stable, reliable force in my life.  Thank you.

Andy- Oh my God, boy!  Why didn’t you TELL us that you were Chief Programmer for a really popular website?!  Damn!  Congrats!  You impress me so much with your computer knowledge and initiative.  You are brilliant.  You have the potential to do anything.  Do it.  I know you can.  Listen and hear me.  Write that essay.  You have a kickass vocabulary and are very articulate.  I believe in you.

    Brooke- Oh, my Brookie-loo, my chica, I love you.  Even though you are at UGA, getting ready to graduate early, and I am at home, being a starving artist, we are connected.  We just fit.  I really hope we will remain friends for a very long time, because we understand each other.  It’s not often that that happens.  You are like my long lost sister.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being so supportive during my nutcase phase (aka now).  I’ll be coming to Athens soon to see you.  You keep me afloat. 

Nick- I miss you everyday.  We used to be like siblings.  Now you are so far away, living this different life, and I really miss the long days and nights we spent together.  Since freaking sixth grade!  You will always be important to me.  We NEED to stay in touch.  I love you like I love sunny days and big hugs (a whole lot).

    Pino- You are quite a person.  So very smart, so very sweet, and so very good.  I really admire you for supporting yourself.  That is an impressive feat.  I also completely understand your problems with school.  We’re alike more than you know.  In all the bad ways, haha.  You and my brother are the same person, too.  In the good ways.  I really miss having your comforting presence around.  We need to talk more!  Answer my messages, boy!

Michael Marie- I really wish we had been better friends in high school.  I’m so glad we are getting closer now, though.  You are such an strong, interesting, intelligent person, and you should never think otherwise.  I just think you’re awesome.  :)  Thank you for your kind words and for listening to me when I needed to be heard.  We need to hang out more, even though you are at Berry.  I should come visit you.

    Mandy- Girl, we are friends for life, no matter what happens.  I will always support you.  We NEED to hang out more.  I’m here.  Even though we have grown into two very different people, we still have that connection, that bond.  It will never go away.  Really.  I got you, babe. :)

Kristine (Stini)- My sista from another mista, my Asian lover, my biffle for life; I could not miss you more.  Why can’t we be together?!  It sucks.  Your very presence can brighten my life.  And when you’re not around, all I have are memories.  I want you to know how special you are to me and how much I admire and love you.  I’m coming to the Freddy again next fall, if you’ll have me.

    Kaity- You are one in a million.  I love it.  I miss hanging out, talking, going to crazy parties.  Basically, I just think you’re nifty keen and I can’t wait to see you again this fall!  

Jordan- Some days I wonder why I met you.  I was torn away rom you too soon.  You are such a fantastic person and I am SO mad that I can’t be with you.  Your talent and love of writing is something that I really appreciate.  We are the same person, basically.  Keep it up.  I’ll be sure to stay in touch.

    Trish (T-licious)- Okay, missy, here it is: you’ve changed me.  You’ve opened my eyes to some of the realities of the world and made me more empathetic and understanding and accepting of differences.  You’re the friend I should’ve had all my life.  You are commanding and confident, sensitive and compassionate, genuine and unapologetically you, hardworking and helpful, funny, deep, ambitious, and good to your core.  I look up to you for wisdom of all kinds and for your unmatched effort at work.  You are a fighter, a dreamer, and a doer, and I love you. Oh, and you make the best frappuccinos ever.

Ben- You’re like a crime-fighting superhero.  Barista Boy will be your name and Tuan, God of Thunder, can be your sidekick.  But forget work.  Forget the band, too.  You, all by yourself, are special.  You’re maddeningly goofy and funny, annoyingly friendly and charismatic, ridiculously unflinchable and confident, obscenely hardworking and benevolent, shockingly thoughtful and deep, and just fucking aggravatingly wonderful to be around.  I hate you.  That’s a lie.  I love you and you are one of my best friends.  Alright, the mushy parade ends here.  See me in person for abuse, disrespect, and undermining of confidence.     

    Steve- You’re the absolute sweetest sweetie pie that there ever was!  All the sappy stuff I’ve told you before still is true.  You’re incredibly smart, thoughtful, caring, helpful, ad interesting.  You are rare and precious, like a diamond.  Seriously, NEVER doubt yourself, because you are fabulous and always will be.  Deal with it.  

Jessika- Senorita Madriz, you already know how much I respect your linguistic skills and relate to your passion for design.  You’re living the dream.  School and Starbucks; a match made in Heaven.  Seriously, I think you are a powerful, wonderful person, and I wish I could be as confident and put-together as you are.  I bow down to the barista queen.

    Biruk- I’m in love with you.  The end.  You are my idol, working two demanding jobs AND going to school for architecture/engineering.  AND you speak like a bazillion languages.  AND you’re a cutie patoot.  You’re the sweetest person I’ve possibly ever met, and you always make my day happier, even when you’re in your worst mood and your nose is bleeding and you have to put the order away.  You never stop impressing me with not only your hard work, but with your honest-to-goodness kindness.  Thank you so very much.

Amy- When are we going to a metal show?  I can’t wait.  I think you are such a unique and inspiring person.  I love hearing your stories, your music, and working with you, of course.  At work, you are the most diligent, conscientious barista.  But I love when you get crazy most of all.  Never lose your zany side; it’s amazing.  I think you will accomplish great things in your life.

    Tuan (God)- You little punk.  I heart you madly.  You are so hardworking and competent, even on days when you feel like killing customers and throwing things.  You make me smile even when you frown.  Keep it up, kid, because you will go far in life, whatever you decide to do.  I only wish I worked with you more.  You make a mean frappuccino.

Anna Marie- I think you’re incredible.  So warm and bubbly and fun and full of life.  You make me giddy every time I work with you.  I think you are an excellent employee and you shouldn’t be down on yourself.  Ever.  Your enthusiasm and energy are just what we need at Starbucks.  I appreciate your kindness and openness with me and I hope that you can forgive me for what happened today.  I really genuinely respect you and love being around you.    

What To Do

Do the splits

    Do an accent

Do yourself proud

    Do him

Draw a portrait

    Draw the right conclusions 

Write a letter

    Write it off  

Make something unique

    Make believe 

Make inquisitions

    Master the art of baking birthday cakes

Master your abs

    Masturbate

Outdo your coworkers

    Outsmart the competition

Outweigh the other options

    Tell everyone

Tell no one

    Create art out of trash

Create friendship in the face of fear

    Spread yourself thin

Spread peanut butter

    Spread love

Eat healthily

    Eat less

Eat your heart out

    Break away

Break your heart

    Break a leg

Be a sinner

    Be a fool 

Be whatever you want to be

    Be happy 

Become 

    Ride the subway

Ride on airplanes

    Ride off into the sunset

Ride it out

    Ride hard

Drive the point home

    Drive yourself crazy

Drive a car

    Bite your tongue

Bit the bullet

    Bite me 

Acquire a new skill

    Acquire confidence

Let it be

    Let it out

Let yourself make mistakes

    Have no fear

Have opinions 

    Have a piece

Get going

    Get a clue

Get it

    Practice everyday

Give it a go

    Give yourself a break

Give in 

    Play outside

Play pretend

    Play around

Play your air guitar 

    Stick around

Stick it out

    Stick the landing

Stick it to them

    Drink up

Capture contentment

    Look at the sky

Look for hope

    Look inside

Learn as much as possible

    Lead your life

Lead the fight

    Lead onward

Jump at the chance

    Jump for joy

Take risks

    Take control

Take the cake

    Come down

Come around

    Come toward the light

Dare to confront your fears

    Dare to be different

Dare to dream 

    Don’t conform

Don’t beat yourself up

    Don’t do drugs

Please try

    Please promise

Please pretty please me

    Share your stories

Share your time

    Decide who’s in charge

Decide on a place

    Deny losers

Try to be strong

    Try a new food

Try and stop me

    Yell at the top of your lungs 

Cheat no one

    Lie never

Steal not 

    Sing a song

Dance your dance

    Find yourself

Find love

    Find happiness

Find out what life is about     

Starting Now

Went to heavy metal concert on Monday, the 21st.  It rocked.

    Decided to drop out of school on Thursday.

Had a mini cry-fest at Starbucks on Friday about leaving school and about a boy.

    Went to a party at a friends’ house on Saturday and had my first beer.  Cried again.  Had profound moments with each one of my drunk friends from Starbucks.

Saw a friend’s heavy metal band practice on Sunday.  They rocked.

    Found out on Tuesday that my Starbucks store manager is leaving in less than a month.  She needs more time with her family.  I will really miss her, as a person and as a manager. 

Found out on Wednesday that my friend who is not in school has decided to go back.  Am so proud of him.

    Have been corresponding with 3 NY friends and 1 UGA friend and 3 Starbucks friends online.  No major news from them, except for 1 of the Starbucks friends, who just went back to school this semester after a long hiatus and will be moving in with her boyfriend and leaving Starbucks in less than a year.  I will miss her.

Have been invited to participate in a San Francisco walking marathon by my mom’s best friend.  Not sure if I’ll go yet.

    I still talk to other friends sometimes, but they aren’t as important to me as my top 5 right now: Brooke, Trish, Ben, Kristine, and Jordan.  Friends I want to get closer to are Kaity, Mandy, Nick, Pino, Jessika, Steve, Amy, and Biruk.  

What I really need is to find a place where I can make new friends.  

    Maybe I’ll join a writer’s group.  

Maybe I’ll start a dance class.  

    Maybe I’ll get an internship at a film production company.  

I could try to get a job at my favorite store, Anthropologie.  

    I could take an art class.  

Or a film class.  

    These are all good ways to meet people, to build another community.  I need people.  People make me happy.

Need to do another load of laundry.

    Need to buy my own dishes so I don’t use the family’s.

Need to practice parallel parking so I can be confident to take my test again so I can get my license so I can be independent so I can be happy.

    Need to hang up mirror still.  Need to tack up new mag clips I found.  Need to put finishing touches on bedroom.

Need to be more involved in my treatment.  Make mood chart.  Do homework from therapy.  Always take medicine.  Exercise everyday.  Eat healthily.  Always get enough sleep.  

    Build confidence: Get dressed up and go out.  Read more.  Write more.  Draw more.  Hang out with friends more.  Make more phone calls.  Be more outgoing.  Be more organized.  Learn.  Create.  Dream.  Explore. 

Figure it out.  

    Life, I mean.  

As God As My Witness

I am doing my laundry.  

    My fuzzy puppy is curled up next to my bedroom door, sniffing at the tiny crack in the frame, whining sporadically and softly to be let out into the world.  

I am listening to Ingrid Michaelson and T-Pain, a sick combination.  

    I am thinking about doing my homework.  

But I am also thinking about watching ‘Gone With the Wind.’  

    I am going to my first heavy metal concert tonight with a friend from work.  

I am nervous, because heavy metal is new to me and I don’t know exactly what to expect.  But I am excited because I love experiencing new things.  

    I need to go to the bank to deposit some checks.  

I need to practice parallel parking.  

    I need to get excited about school; to find something, anything, that gets me revved and ready to go downtown three times a week and to work hard.  Maybe it’s that boy I met in English.  Or that girl I met in Bio lab.  

I need to hang my new mirror up.  It’s huge and it’s been sitting at the foot of my bed, unhung, for a few weeks now.  

    I need my license.  I need it so badly.  Why can’t I practice parking more?  

What’s keeping me from doing the things I need to get done?  What makes me choose a movie over homework, blogging over laundry, work over school, anything over parallel parking?  

    Even things I love to do, like write, I procrastinate on.  

I think it comes down to fear of failure.  If I don’t ever do what needs to get done or do the things I love, there’s no chance of failure.  

    Or there’s every chance, because they won’t in fact get done.  
    I’m confusing myself.  I need to get back to laundry.  

And keep breathing.  

    I won’t think about these things today, I’ll think about them tomorrow.  
    Because tomorrow is another day. 

My Interests

A acapella, acoustic, acting, active jobs, a day well spent, Adderall, adrenaline, adventures, advertising, alternative rock, ambition, ancient civilizations, Andy Samberg, angels, animals, animation, Anna Sui, Anne Taintor, Ann Miller, Anthropologie, antiques, answers, any kind of design, Apple Macs, apprenticeship, architecture, arriving on time, art, asymmetry,

    B balance, Barnes & Noble, baretending, basketball games, beaches, Bebe, Bed Head, being thorough ;P, belting, best friends, Bette Davis, big picture, big screens, big smiles, big sunglasses, biking, biology, black and white thrillers, blue eyes, blushing, boutiques, boyishness, brain power, breaking a sweat, breathtaking views, bright or intense colors, broad shoulders, Bryce Dallas Howard, bustedtees.com,

C cake, cameras, capitalism, cash, casual banter, challenges, change, character, charity, chemistry between people, chewing gum, children’s fantasy, chilly weather, choices, Christmastime, circles, Claire Danes, clarity, cleverness, Clintons, closeness, clubbing, coffee, collaboration, collaging, comfy sweats, coming home, concentration, concerts, contrast, control, cool breezes, corduroy, cosmology, cream, creativity, cultures,

    D Dane Cook, dancing, daring, dawn, debates, debit cards, Debbie Reynolds, decadence, decorating, deep discussions, deep voices, defending positions, democracy, depending on no one, designer fashions, details, determination, dictionaries, diet sodas, differences, dipping cookies in milk, directing, Disney World, discoveries, dominance, Doris Day, double entendres, down time, dreams, dressing up, Drew Barrymore, driving, dusk, DuWop, dysfunctions, DVDs,

E earning it, ecclecticism, Edith Piaf, effervescence, efficiency, egality/equality, electric blankets, Elie Saab, Elle, Emma Thompson, emotion, empty, echoey spaces, energy, enterprising, Entertainment Weekly, entrepreneurship, environmentalism, epiphanies, estrogen, evening walks, even-tempered people, exploring, Express, extremes,

    F falling snow, fearlessness, fedoras, feminism, ferocity, fields of grass, filmmaking, finishing what I start, fitness, fishnet, flag spinning, flirtation, foliage, fonts, football games, forever, forgetting to be shy, fortune, frankness, Frank Sinatra, frappuccinos, freedom, French, french horn, Friday, frisbees, friskiness, frothy foam,

G gardens, Gene Kelly, generosity, genuineness, getting wild, glass, giving gifts, going far away, goofballs, grace, grapefruit, great expectations, greeting cards, gusto, guys with shaggy hair :) ,

    H hair straighteners, handwriting, haphazard techniques, Harrison Ford, HBO, health, high cielings, high quality, hip hop, history, Holocaust, Homer Simpson, hope, horizons, horseback riding, hotness, house music, huge headphones, hugs, humor,

I ideals, Ikea, illusions, illustration, imagination, imitating, impatience, independence, indignation, individuality, innovation, inspiration, instinct, instrumentals, intellectuals, internships, introspection, inventions, iPod, Irish look (fair skin, red hair, freckles), Italia, Izzes,

    J James Dean, Jane Austen, Japan, jazz, jersey cotton, Jodie Foster, Jon Stewart, journaling, journeys, Judd Apatow, Judy Garland,

K Kate Winslet, Katharine Hepburn, Key West, killer dresses and heels, kites, kisses, Kurt Halsey,

    L lasting relationships, laughing, lawn gnomes, leadership, learning, legs, Leonardo DiCaprio, liberalism, lists, logic, London, long necklaces, long-term, looong pants, loud music, love, loyalty, luck, Luna bars,

M Manhattan, mania, maquillaje, Marie Antoinette, Marilyn Monroe, Marlon Brando, marriage, Martin Scorsese, maturity, memories, messy pretty, Michael’s, mingling, Miu Miu, modesty, money, moonbeams, morality, mosaics, motion, musical theater,

    N Natalie Portman, naturalism, nerds, neurology, never say never, New Orleans, New York City, nighttime, no doubts, no inhibitions, nonviolence, nostalgia, novelty, no weakness, Nutella,

O oatmeal, OCD, oddities, old buildings, Old Hollywood, open minds, organization,

    P painting, paisley, paper, Paris, parties, passion, peanut butter and jelly, pepper jack cheese, perfection, performing, perfume, perseverance, persuasion, philosophy, photography, Photoshop, pin-up girls, plans, plastics, playing cards, pop art, Postsecret, Pottery Barn, psychiatry, pschology,

Q Queen Elizabeth I, questioning, quirks,

    R rarity, rationality, Razrs, reaching potential, reading, reason, reliability, ‘Rent,’ rest, retro, revealed secrets, rhyme, rhythm, Rita Moreno, Roma, Ron Howard, roses,

S sales, San Francisco, San Marco Square, sarcasm, Savannah, Scarlett O’Hara, secret passageways, senses, sentimentality, Sephora, small dogs, sociology, Soho, soy, spaciousness, specialty, spirit, spontaneity, sporks, spunk, starting projects, Stephen Speilberg, strength, strong wills, structure, Sudoku, sugar, Superman, supernatural, support, surprises, swimming,

    T tall boys, Target, Tazo Chai, that fresh clean feeling, Thesauri, thrift stores, Tina Fey, tips, ‘Titanic,’ Tivo, Tom Hanks, Tom Welling, torch ballads, Toyota, trapezing, truth, trying new things,

U unexpectedness, Urban Dictionary, used bookstores,

    V Venezia, Vera Wang, Versailles, vibrato, Victoria’s Secret, video games, vintage, virtuosity, Vivien Leigh, Vogue, Volkswagen,

W waiting for nothing, waking up to my dad’s pancakes, wanting it all, warm sunshine, ‘West Side Story,’ whatever’s new, white mocha, white teeth, windows, wondering what will happen, words, working solo, world history, writing…